


Every Beginning is an End

by nerdyostrich



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Death, Heaven, M/M, Memory, god has destiel-feels, time lines, universe - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-02
Updated: 2012-11-02
Packaged: 2017-11-17 15:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/552888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdyostrich/pseuds/nerdyostrich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel dies on a Thursday. Castiel first hears Dean's name on a Thursday. Dean Winchester is born on a Wednesday, already there breaking the rules of Castiel's existence. Castiel will come to love him for it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End of the Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry for this. I am a horrible, horrible person for writing this and I apologize.  
> Also, I have been obsessed with timelines and memory lately, have you noticed?

It is a Thursday when Castiel dies. It seems fitting, somehow, that the Angel of Thursday goes to his final rest on the very day that belongs to him. When Castiel dies, on this Thursday, a new star is lit in the sky.

 

As Castiel lays there on the warehouse floor, blood pouring out of the wound in his gut, he suddenly realizes how human he is. He realizes that he is going to die and that though he should not mind, he does. He wants more time. It seems silly, that an ancient being such as himself would want more years, and Castiel might have agreed, had the circumstances been different. If it had not been for one man; Dean Winchester. Castiel still remembers the first time he heard the name and thought of it as another mission, nothing more. Now, those two words are the most beautiful and the most important of all the thousands of languages he speaks. The man who bears those two words as his name is sitting at his side, hot tears streaking his face as he whispers broken words and threats.

 

”Don’t you dare die on me, Cas. If you do, I swear to God that I’ll go to wherever you angels go and drag you out just so I can kick your ass.” Dean whispers, clutching Castiel’s shoulders tightly, like the angel would disappear at any moment. _Ah, there it is_ , Castiel thinks to himself. _The anger_. Soon, Dean will pass into the realm of desperation and then onto the heartbreaking sorrow that comes with acceptance.

 

”Where I will go, even you cannot follow, Dean.” Castiel says weakly with a crooked smile, mentally adding _but even if you could, I would never wish that upon you. I would never wish that Nothingness for you. Even though I would like nothing more than for us to be together even in death, I would never want you to suffer through the eternal dark of Nothing. This is the one place where I must go alone._

 

”I will find a way, Cas. I promise you; I’ll—” Dean’s words are cut off by a sob catching in his throat. It pains Castiel to see him like this, to only be able to watch as his beloved Dean crumbles.

 

” _Olani hoath ol._ I love you, Dean. If you can only remember one thing of me, remember that.” Castiel can feel life draining from his body. Not long now.

 

”Don’t you fucking start with the declarations of love. Don’t you dare. We will make it through. We always do. Then, you can tell me. Not before then.” Dean hisses, his green eyes, those eyes that Castiel loves, flickering between grief and anger.

 

”We won’t make it this time, Dean. Well, _I_ won’t.” The dark chuckle that escapes Castiel’s lips hurts, making him draw a sharp breath. The blood loss is getting to his head.

 

One of the tears that are rolling down Dean’s cheeks fall onto Castiel. It burns his skin with its heat, its fury and grief. As Dean places a hand on Castiel’s cheek, Castiel regrets. He regrets that they entered this warehouse, wanting to kill Crowley once and for all. They succeeded, but Crowley will take Castiel with him. He regrets that he and Dean won’t spend their lives together, away from hunting like Sam. He regrets all those years spent not loving Dean.

 

”We were going to stop hunting; settle down somewhere nice. You were going to have your little garden and I was going to fix cars. We would be happy together, or some fucked up ex-hunter version of happy. We would spend the rest of our lives together.” Dean’s voice is breaking now and his expression makes Castiel want to kiss it away, to make it better. But there is no making this better. His Grace is long gone and he is mortal, yet not human. There is still some angel left. It is this part of him that will send him into Nothing instead of Heaven or Hell.

 

”Well,” Castiel adds with a weak smile, ”If it is to some comfort, at least I will get to spend the rest of my life with you.”

 

Dean truly breaks then, sobbing into Castiel’s chest, staining his shirt with tears. Dean’s body shakes with every sob. He is whispering into Castiel’s chest now, declarations of love, promises that he will never be able to keep and the one syllable that has been uttered so often lately. _Cas_.

 

”Cas… I love you so damn much, Cas. _Fuck_ , man, I don’t even know how I will go on without you. I just…” Dean breaks off into more sobs and Castiel can feel the wight of Dean growing heavier on his chest, while his own body is growing lighter.

 

”I know, Dean. I know.” Castiel whispers softly, then breaking into a coughing fit, sputtering blood on his shirt and Dean. Though he is no longer an angel, his blood still glows slightly with some small part of the angel’s lost Grace. Odd.

 

Darkness begins to obscure the edges of his vision, the shadows growing darker and creeping closer. The nerves in his body grow dull. _No, no, not yet, too soon, not enough, not enough…_ In desperation, one last act of love, Castiel pulls Dean up to his lips with his last strength. When their lips meet, it’s soft and bittersweet, the taste of Dean’s tears mingling into the kiss. At one point, Castiel realizes, he himself had begun to cry. So much for staying strong for Dean. When they break apart, Castiel whispers into the space between his lips and Dean’s,

 

”I don’t want to go.”

 

”I know, puppy, I know.” Dean replies sadly, using the nickname for Castiel that Sam had often teased him for. His eyes look older than Castiel now, filled with all the sadness in the world. Perhaps, because Castiel is, _was_ , his world. Just perhaps. Then Dean continues, whispering something that Castiel never thought he would hear again, ”Was I worth it?” And Castiel knows exactly what he means. _Was I worth the pain? Was I worth your Fall? Was I worth the trouble? Was I worth it?_ Castiel also knows the answer to all of these questions by heart.

 

”Dean… You were worth it all, Dean Winchester.” Castiel whispers, voice giving in.

 

The last thing he sees before the darkness is Dean’s face.

 

The last thing he hears before Nothingness is how much Dean loves him.


	2. Hell is a place of neither Beginning nor End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Easy is the descent into Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO as you may have noticed, the time line for this story is ALL OVER DA PLACE  
> It was going to be death->the start but idk maaaan

_Easy is the descent into Hell._ That is something that humans say, and Castiel can agree to a certain point. The descent is not an easy task, but compared to fighting his way through demons, it is arguably the easiest feat. Rescuing the Righteous Man will be even harder, Castiel knows this. _Dean Winchester_. Castiel’s thoughts linger on the name for a bit too long. The name should not mean anything, _does not_ mean anything. It is but another mission, though perhaps a more important one than the others.

 

Slashing his way through demons, knocking them down with his wings, Castiel still sees no sign of the Righteous Man, of _Dean_. All that he sees is death and fire, pain and blood. He sees his brothers and sisters being cut down by demons who take advantage from the weakening of angels in Hell. Hell is not a place for seraphs, all the angels know this. Yet they still fight, because they have a mission to take care of. In the edge of his vision, Castiel can see one of his brothers urging the others to leave to prevent further loss, that the Seal is already lost. The other angels listen, because humanity is weak. They have already been down in Hell for 15 years and no human can withstand the torture of Hell for that long. The other angels listen, but Castiel does not. Castiel stays, because he has a mission. Because he still has faith. One of his sisters beg him to come with them, but Castiel pushes her away. He is all alone in Hell now.

 

Castiel does not know for how long he has been in Hell when he finally reaches the place where the Righteous Man is said to be. He has fought legions of demons and seen many horrors of Hell that were unknown to him before, but he has arrived. He is at the end of his mission. Below the ledge on which Castiel is standing, the Righteous Man will be. Castiel has not looked below yet, ashamed to say that he is somewhat frightened that all of his hardships have been for naught. That all of his lost brothers and sisters died for nothing. But he is a soldier and this is his mission. He must see it through. He looks below.

 

It is as he feared, yet it is better than he hoped. What Castiel sees makes him stop, because what he sees is as breathtaking as it is horrible. There is the soul of the Righteous Man — far too bright, the brightest soul Castiel has ever seen and the most beautiful — cutting into the flesh of another shivering soul as the torture master Alastair watches with a grin on his face. Alastair is even more repulsive than the other demons, though Castiel can not quite put his finger on why. Perhaps it is his appearance, which is much more horrid than the others. The Righteous Man has a manic smile on his face as he cuts deeper and leans in, whispering something into the soul’s ear.  He has no time to follow through with whatever threat or promise that was whispered into the soul’s ear, because Castiel flies down and knocks out Alastair before slamming the Righteous Man to the ground. The soul on the rack is whimpering, but Castiel pays it no mind. He starts whispering words to the struggling Righteous Man beneath him. The words work, stripping the Righteous Man of the layers that had hardened him in Hell. It bares his true soul, small, golden and fragile. Castiel takes it into his arms, cradling it like a child, and takes flight before Alastair regains consciousness. 

 

As they ascend, the soul warm in Castiel’s arms, they are hunted. Demons hiss at them, shooting fiery projectiles, but Castiel avoids them easily. All that matters is getting this soul, _this_ _impossibly bright soul_ , out of Hell.

 

”No…” Castiel hears a whisper, the voice of a child. Confused at first, he soon realizes that it is the soul he is carrying that speaks.

 

”No…” The soul repeats, ”Not me, don’t save me. I’m not worth it, not after what I have done. Not me, no, no…” The word _no_ is repeated, weakening for every time it is spoken and soon fades into nothing; just a breath, a shiver.

 

”This is my mission. I am here to save you and you are worth it. If Heaven wants you saved, then you must be important, and save you is what I will do.” Castiel says and glances at the soul, which seems unconvinced. Did he truly have that low of an opinion of himself? Did he truly believe that he did not deserve to be saved? Castiel continues, ”I am not leaving without you. Do you understand?”

 

”I… I understand.” The soul pauses, ”What is your name?”

 

”Castiel. My name is Castiel.” Castiel’s voice softens for no discernible reason.

 

The soul seems to glow a bit brighter, if that is even possible, and they speak no more. Castiel needs silence to rebuild the body of the Righteous Man. Atom by atom, cell by cell, the soul grows into something larger, something more corporeal. Castiel fashions the body carefully and improves it, removing the injuries that had been and the scars that used to mar it. Castiel thinks that he knows this body better than anything else.

 

Only minutes away from the surface, from Earth, the Righteous Man is rebuilt. He is naked, the clothes that he will wear to be fashioned when Castiel places him in the coffin. The place where he will be reborn. Before they breach the surface, Castiel looks down on the body that he rebuilt himself and the green eyes that took many days to get just right look back at him.

 

”Why me?” The man he is carrying asks, the voice deeper now, eyes wide with worry.

 

”Because God commanded it.” Castiel simply says, not wishing to explain further.

 

”Was I worth it?” The man whispers, truly frightened. Castiel counts the freckles on his skin, one hundred and eighty seven, before he answers.

 

The man, the Righteous Man, Dean, smiles at the answer, tears running down his face. Had those small words truly meant that much? Had he never heard them spoken to him before? Touching the side of Dean’s face, because Castiel dares think of him as Dean now, Castiel removes the memory of their ascent. As Castiel places him in the coffin, he squeezes Dean’s upper right arm to seal the soul into the new body. Castiel doesn’t know that he also seals in a part of himself in the brand. As he leaves, he ponders over what he had told Dean and wonders why it meant so much.

 

_You were worth it all, Dean Winchester._

 

Those were the first words that Castiel used Dean’s name with.

 

Those words will be his last.


	3. The Beginning of the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The name means nothing to Castiel yet, but it will.

It is also a Thursday when Castiel first hears the two words that will become the words he cherishes the most. Most things of import in Castiel’s life happens on a Thursday, which is to be expected. Except for one thing. Dean Winchester’s birth. Dean was born on a Wednesday and already there he has broken the rules of Castiel’s existence. Castiel will come to love him for it.

 

Castiel is roaming the world, unrestricted by human limitations. He is an angel in its true form, at his very core a soldier. It is then, as he watches an old man of faith meditate in Burma, when he receives the order. The order that will change his life for good, but he does not know that yet. He knows so many things, yet he understands little.

 

”Castiel. You and your Garrison will save the Righteous Man from Hell before the first Seal is broken. You will bring him back.” The voice of his brother rings clear in Castiel’s mind. An order. As the soldier he is, he obeys, but not before asking one question.

 

”Who is he?” Castiel asks, not truly knowing why he does. He just wants, _needs_ , to know.

 

”Is that really of import, Castiel?” The disapproval in his brother’s voice is obvious.

 

”I am merely curious.”  Castiel responds, still a soldier at heart, still unwilling to ask questions, to _question_.

 

”The Righteous Man’s name is Winchester. Dean Winchester.” His brother simply tells him, then withdraws from Castiel’s mind, leaving him alone to perform the mission.

 

_Dean Winchester._

 

The name means nothing to Castiel yet, but it will.


	4. The true Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before Castiel comes into existence, God plans a purpose for every single one of his angels. The first who will Fall. The brother who is destined to fight him. The one who leaves to not see his family torn apart. God has a clear purpose for every single one of them, but when it comes to Castiel, God hesitates.

Before Castiel comes into existence, God plans a purpose for every single one of his angels. The first who will Fall. The brother who is destined to fight him. The one who leaves to not see his family torn apart. God has a clear purpose for every single one of them, but when it comes to Castiel, God hesitates. Could he truly burden one of his own children with such a purpose, with such pain? But it is what needs to be done, for without this little angel, it will all fall apart. Yet God weeps as he gives purpose to the new angel.

 

”You shall be Castiel, the Angel of Thursday. Your purpose is Dean Winchester. Yours will be the story of the star who fell for a man, who loves him so very much and who will eventually die for him. Six times, you will be brought back, but the seventh time is when you will go to rest. Your days will end with Dean Winchester and a new star will be lit in the sky, so that you may still watch over him, for he is your beginning, your existence, your end. And Dean Winchester shall love you so very much in return. When his days end, he will still love you and you alone. When you have watched over him, the star will go out and you will know peace.”

 

Castiel does not remember his purpose when he comes into existence. He does not remember how his absent father wept only once and he wept for Castiel. He does not remember how he has always been so very loved.


	5. One of the Endings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean Winchester. Castiel’s favorite words, even in death. Even in death, Castiel loves Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end. Or is it?

_Dean Winchester._ Castiel’s favorite words, even in death. Even in death, Castiel loves Dean. 

 

Where he had expected the cold dark of Nothing in death, there was only Dean. It was a surprise, a bittersweet one. Unable to do anything else, Castiel does what he has always done. He watches. Castiel watches as Dean burns Castiel’s body. He watches as Dean gets drunk every night and breaks whiskey bottles against walls as he screams for his angel. He watches as Sam takes Dean in and tries to make it better. He watches Dean’s nightmares and it pains him that he can do nothing to stop them. He watches Dean get a job and live alone, next to Sam and Amelia. He watches Dean grow old. Even in death, Castiel watches over Dean. 

 

Even in death, Castiel loves Dean so very much.

 

Dean Winchester dies 72 years old on a Thursday. He dies quietly in his sleep, no demons or monsters there to tear him apart. He dies in a human way because, despite everything, that is what Dean is the most. _Human_. The last thing Dean wonders before going to sleep that night is if he will meet Castiel in Heaven when he dies. He even wonders if he will go to Heaven. Dean does go to Heaven. As Dean’s soul pass through the gates, Castiel’s star goes out.

 

At first, there is nothing. Castiel only feels sadness as he feels himself fade away as Dean fades away. Castiel is gone, no more Grace or fire, just Nothing. Yet he is not at peace. A light pierces through that which always was and never has been. _You are not done yet, my brave, brave child._

 

The first memory of Dean’s Heaven is the night where he and Cas first kissed. It had been a few weeks after Cas’s unexpected return from Purgatory, after they had been out on a hunt. Dean remembers it clearly; how he and Cas had stormed into a motel room, yelling at each other. Dean yelled at Cas for almost dying. Cas yelled at Dean for not letting him die. Then something had changed; a brief moment of silence, of heavy breathing. All he knew after that was warm lips, Cas’s slender fingers in his hair and Dean’s own eager hands exploring Cas’s back. It had also been the first time they had sex with each other.

 

But Castiel isn’t there in the memory. Where he should burst into the room, yelling at Dean, nothing happens. No one is there. Dean knows, of course, that Heaven is just memories. Nothing else, nothing _real_ , but he misses Cas so terribly much. Even the memory of him would be enough. Even just hearing the echo of his voice would suffice. Just as Dean is going to scream some snide comment at the ceiling about how the system must have crashed or something, the motel room door opens softly. Dean does not even need to turn around to know who it is. _Cas._

 

”Cas…” Dean whispers, but then stops, not recognizing his own voice. It is not the raspy, dry voice that he has had for so many years. It is the voice of when Cas was still alive, a voice filled with hope. Looking down at his hands, Dean sees that not only is his voice restored, but his body as well.

 

”I thought you would prefer it if you looked as you did before…” Cas trails off, not wanting to bring his death up, probably. Was it he who had restored Dean’s body? Well, _obviously_ it was.

 

”Is it really..?” Dean says, mostly to himself as he turns around. And there he is, his beloved angel, even wearing the trench coat and dress suit he has not worn for such a long time. His hair is disheveled as always and on his lips is a small smile.

 

”Yes, it is truly me. Dean…” Cas starts, then stops, tears forming in his eyes. ”I have missed you so much. Even in death, I watched over you, but I have been unable to touch you, to talk to you. I just missed you so very much, Dean.”

 

”Oh God, I’ve missed you too, Cas.” Dean walks up to his angel and wraps his arms around him, relishing in holding the man that he loves again. ”But… how? How are you here”

 

”I don’t know, but I am glad that I am. Now, we have all of eternity here together. We can go anywhere we have visited before. Perhaps even visit other Heavens if I regain my powers.” Cas whispers to Dean, holding him tighter.

 

”I’m pretty happy with our little Heaven, Cas. We don’t have to visit others.” Dean smiles a bit and pulls out of the embrace, only to place his hands on Cas’s shoulders. ”I love you, Castiel, and I am glad that we’ll spend eternity together.” Cas’s full name feels right in his mouth, so right.

 

”I love you too, Dean. So very much. There is no one else that I would rather spend eternity with.” Castiel says and pulls Dean in for a kiss. It has been too long since their lips last met, but they still remember, still fit together perfectly. Dean has not been this happy for a very long time. Castiel has not either. 

 

 _You were worth it all, Dean Winchester_ are the last words that Castiel utters before there is only Dean’s lips and sounds of pleasure.

 

From his Throne at the center of the Universe, God watches. He sees that his angel is finally home again, together with the man that he loves. Together with the one that he gave it all up for. It has taken them both so much pain to get to where they are now, together at last. The purpose of this one angel is something that has plagued him for so long, but now that he sees their happiness and their love, he knows that it was worth it. All this pain so that they could be together. All this pain so that the Plan would work out. But now, they are finally at peace. When Sam joins them in Heaven, perhaps God will create a door so that they can visit each other. Yes, he thinks that he will do that. They have all deserved it. It is the end of Castiel’s and Dean Winchester’s story. Then again, nothing ever truly ends, does it? There are only new beginnings. God must always remember that. God remembers that as he weeps for the second time in his existence for what needs to be done now. He weeps for the peace that needs to be broken.

 

He resets and the Universe begins anew.

 

_Dean Winchester is born on a Wednesday, already there breaking the rules of Castiel’s existence. Castiel will come to love him for it._


End file.
